My dream of perfect beauty

'Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images'
- Jean Cocteau

It's a quote that I often say to myself after waking up in the morning and taking a look in the bathroom mirror. Uggh, not a pretty sight. I can't help the fact that, as a child, I fell out of the ugly tree and hit several branches on the way down. Beauty is supposedly perceived in the eye of the beholder - when I look in the mirror all I can see is someone who looks like Rondo Hatton.

Perhaps though I can be helped? Trinny and Susannah could give me a style makeover, and Gok Wan could make me look good naked! I could get my eyelids lifted or have a botox injection. A little touch up and a little paint and I could be a thing of beauty, a joy forever. Albeit a fake one.

Bill Nelson - When Your Dream Of Perfect Beauty Comes True
Being a fan of Bill Nelson's music I stumbled upon the above unofficially made video. I've no idea where the original film is from but the chosen instrumental track fits it well. When Your Dream Of Perfect Beauty Comes True is from Bill's excellent 1982 album The Love That Whirls (Diary Of A Thinking Heart) - my joint favourite album of all time.

The best part of breaking up...

Are you looking a bit tired and drawn in the mirror lately? Is your hair falling out faster than normal? Are you wondering where that strange smell is coming from? Not seen any friends or neighbours for a few weeks?


I can feel your pain. Just don't start to worry unless you're finding yourself strangely attracted to your postman and have the desire to eat his insides and suck on his delicious brain.

Ever thought about having eye laser surgery but are too worried about what might go wrong? What happens if you squeal and move about when your eyelid is clamped tightly back and the burning starts?

Ever, like Gary Numan, been 'in a car crash, or was it the war?' and have 'never been quite the same'?

Ever watched countless horror movies and felt like being your own Dick Smith, Tom Savini or KNB?

Ever fancied being a Fangoria centerfold?
('My blood runs cold')

Try this Zombie Makeover.

Mr Millionaire

Well almost. At the moment there have been 995,082 views of the videos I've uploaded to YouTube, and by the end of the day this counter will have ticked over the million mark. Sounds good eh?

Well, let's just put it into perspective - a young teenage girl in mid-west USA could easily get 3,000,000 views by posting a video of herself 'singing' a lousy out of tune cover of a Mariah Carey song or one where she sticks a pencil up her own nose (Don't do this at home kids. Performances like this can be very dangerous and shouldn't be attempted by anyone who is even remotely sane). So there you go, a million is worth next to nothing in the interweb world.

It would be nice if I could get a small fraction of those viewers to visit this blog though. I know I tend to post not very interesting bollocks here but it provides a service of sorts. I was hoping to somehow reach out to people with similar tastes in music, movies and madness, but sadly this blog has turned out to be just a brief stopping off point for people looking for pictures of Billie Piper (naked) and Lenny The Tramp - not together I must add, although I'm sure that that would prove to be a very popular attraction.

Oh well. I guess I must continue on undaunted.

Tramps Like Us

Many famous people have lived at one time or another in my 'hood... John Keats, Boris Karloff, Amy Whino and the new Bionic Woman to name but a few. Now though Enfield's most famous resident is... Lenny The Tramp!

Lenny in ironic mode, standing outside Barclays Bank, Enfield
- the location of the World's first ATM (Photo: J Spranklen)
Lenny, who currently 'lives in a bus stop', has become an internet phenomenon that almost rivals the popularity of Billie Piper's baps. And 'viral Lenny' is still growing like a rolling snowball. The 'Lenny The Tramp Appreciation Society' group on Facebook has over 4500 members - double the size of the biggest Kylie Minogue fan group! I guess the question to ask is - looks and fashion sense aside, can Lenny compare with Kylie as a popstar?

BBC News article and video.

Sonic Screwdriver

A few nights back I was tired and thumbing my remote. Cycling through the Freeview channels late at night is a mind numbing experience:

{click} Some programme with sign language {click} advert {click} advert {click} Rip off premium rate Quiz {click} advert {click} 'Live' Poker {click} 'I can't believe how crap Nuts TV is' {click} +1 {click} +1 {click} advert... and then {click} Good grief! It's a naked Billie Piper being shagged by a guy! And now she's put a condom on her finger and now she's putting it up his... ughh!

Yes, kiddies favourite, Bille Piper was playing a 'high class' prostitute in ITV's seedy drama Belle Du Jour. I guess you've got to admire the former teen pop star and Dr Who assistant for having the nerve to take on the role. I can't say I enjoyed watching it. I just sat there with my mouth open until it had finished. It wasn't clear to me what the intention of the show was - An erotic drama? A comment on the trials of being a prostitute? Or both? Well I didn't find it sexy, but maybe it wasn't supposed to be. It was a bit like watching a car crash... awful but you just can't look away.

Thanks to MustyMC, my internet Nude Celebrity correspondent, for pointing me in the direction of Billie Piper's Playboy photo.

Headline news

When I listen to news headlines on the radio and TV I often get confused. In the good old days newscasters used to pause between headline announcements. Now, in a bid to make the news sound more exciting, it seems that everything is presented much faster and with a sense of urgency. As a result I keep hearing headlines running into each other. It all becomes very strange. Here are some examples from today...

Erotic art traces history of sex
Satanist guilty of vicar killing
'Maggots' found in school dinners
UK pub lunch price soars to £20
Sir Menzies tells of 'irritation'

Network's goin' down

Friday evening. So there I was in the bar on the 5th floor at Waterstones bookshop, Piccadilly. I'd just had a tricky job interview and I needed somewhere to sit down, calm my nerves and relax with a beer. I thought I'd pick the Waterstones '5th view' bar as I'd seen that they had free Wi-Fi access and I was itching to play with my cool new n800 Internet Tablet. So I took a seat and ordered a Kirin and a big slice of apple tart to go with it. I tried connecting to the network with the password I had been given. No joy. Hmmm. My refreshments came and the waitress then told me that "the internet isn't working"... Doh! I'd wish I'd known that before making my £7.50 order! Never mind, the tart was very nice.

Today. I encountered more technocrapola. This time it was on the Virgin Atlantic website when I 'checked in' online for my flight to JFK tomorrow. The check-in process was fine but I couldn't print my boarding pass due to a problem on the system. As requested by an on-screen error message I tried again later, and again later. No joy. Eventually I decided to ring their website help desk - 'Our team is looking at the problem. You can print your pass at the airport tomorrow.' OK. I will, if the machine at the airport works properly.

These are just two trivial examples of how people's lives are affected by supposedly integrated bits of modern technology going wrong. It happens all the time. Computers and networks crash. It's a good job that critical systems like aircraft fly-by-wire and missile defence control can't go down like this...

Anyway what am I grumbling about? I'm flying off to American airspace for a holiday in NYC!

Neighbourhood Watch (behind the curtains)

It's been a quiet couple of weeks. Warm, lazy summer days - typically featuring a nice afternoon walk through the local woods and fields; blackberry picking along the way and, at the walk's completion, a cold pint of cider in the sunshine. Lovely.

What else? Well I've been slowly stepping through the Firefly (excellent) and Tru Calling (Eliza Dushku - hubba hubba!) DVD box sets and also a pretty dull SQL Server manual (yawn). As I said it's been quiet. Too quiet.

Tuesday was very interesting though. I was woken early at the crack of 9AM by a group of people chatting loudly outside of my window. What's going on? I thought. My flat is on the first floor, I drew my curtains aside and looked down to the driveway below. There was a guy with a professional looking handheld movie camera. He was shooting (several times) another guy arriving on a moped. Hmmm, probably a student film.

An hour later I could hear things being moved about in the flat directly below me. Lots of tape being unreeled and stuck down. What were the two young girls who owned the place up to? I looked down at their windows around the back, someone was covering the glass with black sheeting, either to prevent light from entering or perhaps to keep people from looking in? More filming was to take place, this time inside. But for what purpose? A low budget porn video maybe? In the flat below me? Surely not.

After lunch, the camera man was outside again, this time with another guy who was holding a large fluffy boom microphone. Suddenly a smart blue open-top sports car drove past, its occupants - three very attractive young ladies - calling 'cooeee' to an 'actor' who was walking below my window. After several takes they disappeared inside once more. Yeah, they must be filming something for a smut channel. Maybe I could be a stand-in? I mused.

As evening started to fall I could hear more talking from below, this time emanating from the kitchen. A man with a deep sexy French accent was talking in great detail about the use of spices in cooking. A woman was asking him questions and he was obviously demonstrating to her his technical prowess as a master chef.

So what had been going on all day? Was it a shoot for a short student film, a sexy suburban housewives video or a Celebrity Chef 'comes round and cooks you a meal' TV programme? It remains a mystery. I wasn't nosey enough to find out. All I could do was take the odd sneaky peek out from behind my curtains. So, please keep an eye out as you watch the tube for a show featuring a guy on a moped, girls in a blue sports car and a French chef. Let me know if you see it.

It's like looking in a mirror

simpsonize me

Fight the flab

I woke up this morning and took a long look in the mirror... boy, am I out of shape; Apart from the occasional short jog I'm getting no exercise at all. I've been spending way too much time lounging around watching Big Brother on TV.

Shocked by the reflection of flabbiness that confronted me, I decided I'd get myself an exercise video to help trim my waistline a little - turn my bread bin stomach into a nice washboard. But which video should I buy?

It's all so confusing - all those different 'celebrities' in leotards.. should I choose Jane Fonda, Jade Goody, Anthea Turner, Davina, Lorraine Kelly, Mr Motivator or Venessa Feltz? A good East End workout with Patsy Palmer sounds like it might be fun? Right... Pilates, Boxercise or Aerobicide? Phew, I just get worn out thinking about it!

Hold on a second, I've already got a fitness video I can use. Let's see, clear a space on the floor in front of the TV, put this VHS tape in and let's go...

Yes, it's B-Movie Scream Queen Linnea Quigley!


'First of all, it's important to wear comfortable clothes when you exercise. A metal studded bra and fishnet stockings may not be your first choice... but face it, would you want to watch me workout in a baggy sweatsuit?'


A few simple stretches to start...


And now it's getting much harder.

And relax.

See the lovely Linnea perform the Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws in the classic trash movie Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Get ready for the Badger Parade!

Iraqi Housewife says
"It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey"

British forces have denied rumours that they released a plague of ferocious badgers into the Iraqi city of Basra - BBC News Report

More serious BBC news: Saving Planet Earth by eating more Garlic

This is driving me nuts...

but if I stop now I'll have to start all over again!

Ethan Haas was right OR Ethan Haas was wrong

Tumbleweed

Sometimes when I view this blog I see the odd piece of tumbleweed rolling past. Not much happens here on this dusty not-so-super stretch of the information highway. There aren't many people about. In cyberspace no one can hear you sigh...

Still, any and all visitors are welcome. Has anyone been here in the last month or am I just typing to myself?

Tickle Me Eno

or "Ain't it funny how time slips away?"

There I was a couple of hours ago thinking that I might go and catch the late night screening of 4: The Rise Of The Silver Surfer at my local popcorn pit. I thought I'd check out a few online reviews for the movie first to see if it was worth the effort. I took a look over at Film Threat, hmmm, a mixed review to say the least, wait what's that? A link to a short film called The Caress Of The Creature. Hey, I love the old Creature From The Black Lagoon movies and this camp homage sounds like it's right up my alley (so to speak). To find out more about this 'Tickle-Creature' I went over to IMDB and then googled and found the film's official myspace page. From there I watched the trailer over at YouTube. Nicely done - I wish I had been a film student (or an underwater gill-man)...

Anyway, on that page, in the list of related videos, I saw a clip about an intriguing game called Spore which led me to spend some time over at The Long Now Foundation website. I then read a bit about one of their projects called The Clock Of The Long Now and had a peak at some of the long term bets placed over at Long Bets.

Finally I decided to surf over to FORA.tv and watch the full version of the video about Spore, called Playing With Time. It's presented by Spore creator Will Wright and egghead musician Brian Eno.


It's an interesting discussion about the generation of games and music. I found it to be an entertaining and thought provoking 1 Hour and 40 minutes - It takes a lot to hold my attention on something on the 'net for that long! Now where was I? Where am I? Doh! It's too late to see the Fantastic Four sequel now, I've run out of time! How on earth did that happen? Maybe I can see it tomorrow - if I can steer clear of the Interweb and all of its educational distractions. Must go to bed now as I've got to get up in the morning...

The new London 2012 Olympics logo is...

A pretty freaky, psychotic splatter that looks like a big pink puke*. You can almost smell it.
It's been suggested that in five years time people will have grown to like the design. I'd say that is as likely as the Olympic Stadium being finished.
Sadly, I'm not allowed to display the logo here as I'm not an official sponsor.

* Also available in hueys of blue, orange and green.

Brits abroad

The weather here in Norf LDN has been appalling these last few days. Non-stop rain, grey and overcast. Brrrr. I really need to get away somewhere sunny. I've been checking out a few cheap last minute holiday deals. Spain is a possibility. What's Mallorca like? It must be nice because according to Now Magazine Kerry Katona loves it.

Ivor Biggun – The Majorca Song

Intelligent? Design?

As I alluded to previously, hanging around Kings Cross station late a night, waiting for a train, is a crummy experience. I've been doing it quite a bit over the last few weeks. To kill time you can either go and get a burger or buy a magazine - neither of which you really want or need, it's just something to do until the last train home. Last week I ended up buying the latest issue of Wired magazine.

Wired is not something I'd normally buy because it usually seems to contain more ads than readable content. However, in the May issue I found an interesting piece about the popularity of the theory of Evolution versus that of Intelligent Design. Apparently 75% of the population of the UK agrees with evolutionary theory - i.e. life was created naturally and not by a higher intelligence. Out of the 30 countries surveyed, the UK comes a respectable 6th behind Iceland, Denmark, Sweden, France and Japan.

The USA comes 29th with just 40%. That could explain a lot!

On the 6th day God created Cheeseburgers*...

Pearl Jam - Do The Evolution

*Actually, according to Bruce Springsteen, Cheeseburgers were created on the 1st day.

Attack of the Bees!!!

We are in control of your computer screen...

Yesterday I was continuing my way through the excellent 8 Disc DVD set of The Outer Limits (Original Series) Volume 1. I watched episode 18, 'ZZZZZ', originally aired on 27th January 1964. The Outer Limits was always fantastically strange, with way out ideas, but ZZZZZ is particularly freaky.

Bizarrely, a Queen bee evolves itself into a stunning, sexy young woman called 'Regina' (played by the gorgeous Joanna Frank). She becomes the assistant to an entomologist (Philip Abbot) who specialises in the study of bee communication. Her aim is to seduce the happily married scientist, mate with him and produce a thousand bee/human hybrids who will take over the world!


As Regina's behaviour becomes more and more disturbing, the scientist's wife becomes increasingly suspicious and she attempts to get rid of the bee-utiful enchantress. However, she doesn't know that if you anger the Queen bee you anger all of her drones.... Buzzzzzzzz!

The episode opens with the following control voiceover:

Human life strives ceaselessly to perfect itself, to gain ascendancy. But what of the lower forms of life? Is it not possible that they, too, are conducting experiments and are at this moment on the threshold of deadly success...

May 22nd 2007: Alarm as swarm of bees hits pier (BBC Story)

May 24th 2007: Swarm of bees grounds UK aircraft (BBC Story)

Slow down, you run too fast

I hate this jogging lark. It has to be done though. I need to take some regular excercise to help slow down my rate of evolution into Mr Potato. Of course I'm fighting against the inevitable; the future of mankind. In the brave new world of 2020, with 1 Gb/s interweb, gene therapy and intravenous food, everything will be within arm's reach. I won't actually need my legs then anyway!

This morning, despite looking like and idiot, the sweat, aching muscles and creaking joints - I broke the jogging speed limit...

Get on your bikes and ride

So I might not have time to prepare for actually running the London Marathon but to make up for it I could enter the London leg of the 2007 World Naked Bike Ride! Wheels are due to start turning at Hyde Park on Saturday Afternoon June 9th. Here's a video clip from last year's event...

Anybody spot David Cameron?