My dream of perfect beauty

'Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images'
- Jean Cocteau

It's a quote that I often say to myself after waking up in the morning and taking a look in the bathroom mirror. Uggh, not a pretty sight. I can't help the fact that, as a child, I fell out of the ugly tree and hit several branches on the way down. Beauty is supposedly perceived in the eye of the beholder - when I look in the mirror all I can see is someone who looks like Rondo Hatton.

Perhaps though I can be helped? Trinny and Susannah could give me a style makeover, and Gok Wan could make me look good naked! I could get my eyelids lifted or have a botox injection. A little touch up and a little paint and I could be a thing of beauty, a joy forever. Albeit a fake one.

Bill Nelson - When Your Dream Of Perfect Beauty Comes True
Being a fan of Bill Nelson's music I stumbled upon the above unofficially made video. I've no idea where the original film is from but the chosen instrumental track fits it well. When Your Dream Of Perfect Beauty Comes True is from Bill's excellent 1982 album The Love That Whirls (Diary Of A Thinking Heart) - my joint favourite album of all time.

Get fit for YMO

YMO will be making a rare appearance in London on June 15th as part of this year's Meltdown festival.

I'm guessing that we'll see the more relaxed, chilled out 'Human Audio Sponge' incarnation of (L to R) Haruomi Hosono, Yukihiro Takahashi and Ryuichi Sakamoto's Yellow Magic. But, who knows? I'd better start working out just in case...

YMO - Taiso (1982)

Exercise is good for you

Just got back from fighting the onset of obesity in the gym of my local Sports Centre. Sweating off the KJoules and getting my blood pumping. Anyway, whilst I was there, pounding away on a treadmill, I saw something out of the corner of my eye that reminded me of this video...

Frank Black - Your Mouth Into Mine
Hear tracks from the new mini LP SVN FNGRS over @ blackfrancis.net
I only started going to the gym in the new year but I can feel the benefit already. I can't see my abs yet but I can feel them in there somewhere! More reps needed. More crunching required.

This fitness lark is quite a battle though, and I'd say it was more of a mental challenge than a physical one. It's not the exercise that's tough, it's what lies waiting outside; Just as you exit the gym you enter a snack area, piled up to the ceiling with scrumptious looking cakes, donuts and chocolate bars and thirst quenching sugar drinks. And then, as you leave the Sports Centre building, you are surrounded by a Thai restaurant, a Steak House, an All-U-Can-Eat Chinese and a pub. They are all very tempting, and the more exercise you take the hungrier you get! So far I've only succumbed to the pub, but I suspect it won't be long until my brave resistance fails completely and I submit to the heavenly smell of cooking beef and pork. Hmmmmm pork.

Time for me to lay down and take a rest.

Fight the flab

I woke up this morning and took a long look in the mirror... boy, am I out of shape; Apart from the occasional short jog I'm getting no exercise at all. I've been spending way too much time lounging around watching Big Brother on TV.

Shocked by the reflection of flabbiness that confronted me, I decided I'd get myself an exercise video to help trim my waistline a little - turn my bread bin stomach into a nice washboard. But which video should I buy?

It's all so confusing - all those different 'celebrities' in leotards.. should I choose Jane Fonda, Jade Goody, Anthea Turner, Davina, Lorraine Kelly, Mr Motivator or Venessa Feltz? A good East End workout with Patsy Palmer sounds like it might be fun? Right... Pilates, Boxercise or Aerobicide? Phew, I just get worn out thinking about it!

Hold on a second, I've already got a fitness video I can use. Let's see, clear a space on the floor in front of the TV, put this VHS tape in and let's go...

Yes, it's B-Movie Scream Queen Linnea Quigley!


'First of all, it's important to wear comfortable clothes when you exercise. A metal studded bra and fishnet stockings may not be your first choice... but face it, would you want to watch me workout in a baggy sweatsuit?'


A few simple stretches to start...


And now it's getting much harder.

And relax.

See the lovely Linnea perform the Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws in the classic trash movie Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Slow down, you run too fast

I hate this jogging lark. It has to be done though. I need to take some regular excercise to help slow down my rate of evolution into Mr Potato. Of course I'm fighting against the inevitable; the future of mankind. In the brave new world of 2020, with 1 Gb/s interweb, gene therapy and intravenous food, everything will be within arm's reach. I won't actually need my legs then anyway!

This morning, despite looking like and idiot, the sweat, aching muscles and creaking joints - I broke the jogging speed limit...

Fit Club

One of my objectives after leaving work was to use the gift of my newly found free time to start exercising again. In recent months I had begun to put on weight, dramatically by my standards, and was turning into a Grade-A Couch Potato. So, I decided to have an easy short jog every morning. Unfortunately this soon stopped when I pulled a calf muscle just 20 yards after leaving my front door!

With my leg still not repaired enough to enable me to run again I'm now facing an even faster trip to fat city. The opportunity to walk for miles around the Lake District has helped put the brakes on temporarily - but deep down I know that, like the rest of the nation, I'm losing my fight against the flab.

'Beef and Ale maketh the man' - William Shakespeare (via Danny Baker)